mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
