sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
