At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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