Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
