Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
