I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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