UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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