I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
