Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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