she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
