The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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