True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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