make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
