Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
