I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
