Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
