You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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