i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
