watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
