Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
