you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
