dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
