Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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