Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
