She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
