When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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