I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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