I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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