The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
