Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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