So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
