my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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