In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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