Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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