Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
