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her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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