i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
