im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
