Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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