I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
