I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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