I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
