I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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