So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
