Even the bartender felt bad for me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
