I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
