Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
