Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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