did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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