In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
