I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
