I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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