1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just want nice things and good sex
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
