And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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