Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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