my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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