My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
